Happy Birthday!

It is after midnight of December 24/25 and I am now officially in my 71st year, yesterday was my 70th birthday. One could ask how I feel about this and the answer is simple, no differently. This is the same answer that one would hear from just about anyone telling the truth about it. A better question would be how do you feel now compared to when you were 40, or 50, or 60. That is a more difficult answer to give.

One difference is in the quickness of wit; I am a lot slower now than before. I listen to/watch Conan O’Brien interviewing another young person, just for an example, and I notice how rapidly the exchanges are made. This is true not only of him but many others who are under say 50 years old.

 Another difference is an increase in my sensitivity towards others, especially in what I say. Earlier years would have had me making observations that I may have considered astute, honest, and constructive but in fact could easily have caused hurt feelings and hard feelings.

 A third is the level of understanding to which I have come when I observe the behavior of others. I can see/understand from where some people are coming and tolerate, even accept the different point of view, the different thinking, the different set of standards they are using to guide their actions/thoughts. There are other differences as well but these are the main.

One of my responsibilities now is to maintain this brain-body so that I can continue to fulfill the purpose of the being, who is the “my” in this sentence. The brain-body is the vehicle for development of the being. At some point in the lifetime of this brain-body, an eternal being entered it and took his place within; it could have been at any time in the lifetime from first breath to now.

 For a long time I thought it was first breath, and it may well be; but now I think it could be later, almost any age. I became aware of him somewhere in the mid nineteen nineties but he could have been lurking within from a much earlier time.

 The major portion of my development started during long walks but the antecedent activities were important as well; being introduced to the ideas of the 4th way; my short time with the Georgetown group; my readings all during the intervening times even up until now; and the exposure throughout my life to people who had an influence on me that went beyond the mundane. So, I don’t know when in-habitation took place but it may have come later than previously thought.

It could have happened after college, or maybe during same, or maybe much earlier in the younger years of this lifetime. My imagining as a boy included many of the scenes that came to pass later in my lifetime. There have been attractions to locations where we lived and visited; an attraction to Newport News, to the Chesapeake Bay, to Sydney Australia, to Chantilly France, to “the North” in England, to Louisville, to San Francisco, to Hawaii, and a much earlier attraction to sailing.

There are attractions to horses, cooking, French, and on and on. All of this could be coincidence or it could be permanent personae who simply enjoy seeing these locations in their current state and who enjoy continuing some satisfying activities that went on in their lifetime(s).

 In-habitation is much like any other set of circumstances in which we find ourselves, when it happens is not important, that it happened— is.  Just like when it happened is not so important, also not is what has happened to date. Important is what happens from this date forward in this lifetime. When one considers a person like Jesus Christ, and there were more than one like him in history, who reaches a point of development that transcends physical existence; one realizes that this won’t be the last lifetime for this being.

In a big way, as I sit here and ponder the possibility of living another lifetime in the circumstances that are shaping up for the future now, I am not all that enthused about it. But then, I won’t be the one who will make the decision, it is the being within that continues to exist after the death of this brain-body.

 There has been a great deal of development taking place over the past 15 or so years, not nearly enough to expect being accepted into the ranks of the purely spiritual world, where a being can continue to develop without a brain-body in-habitation.

 So the being that continues, with perhaps the old and some newly made permanent personae, may look upon another lifetime with enthusiasm and the anticipation of making the most of it regardless of the situation that may exist in the world at that time.

The reluctance felt is caused by what are seen as the projection of the current set of conditions and extrapolating them into the future. The experiences of this lifetime are such that the conditions that can be projected to exist are frightening.

 But this is why the fabled drinking from the river of forgetfulness was invented. It is a way of accepting a new lifetime; it is also an indication that memories, pegged to emotions, die along with the brain –body; and yet, there are some memories that have come through from previous lifetimes. These are usually snippets and not extensive emotional experiences. These little memories are candy to the permanent personae.

 I, the all inclusive self, don’t necessarily want to have to cope with ever expanding technology that can distract one from his development; but if presented with a new, fresh brain-body, unaware of the experiences of this lifetime or any previous, I may look at, for example, holographic projections of sporting events or theatrical productions with excitement. The master function, who is totally concerned with getting to the next level, is not phased by what happened, for good or ill, in previous lifetimes. He is moving on from here as soon as he is ready.

How Do We Stack Up

If one can imagine a population of 6 billion people on the globe; distributed on continents, which are mostly geographic, and then within cultures, which are somewhat geographic on those continents, and then try to establish one’s position, rank, or place in that population, one would have to admit that there isn’t anything very special about any one individual. And yet, when we think of our family, when we regard people we know, we think of some as important and constantly compare ourselves to a wide range of others.

There are some notable characters alive today in our presence to which we pay a sort of homage. These are people in the news, in positions that affect our lives for good or ill, and people that behave in such a manner as to call attention to them. There is a curiosity about what all of these are doing and that curiosity is slaked by public media including Internet sites, TV, radio, newspapers, magazines, and books. A significant portion of our economy is engaged in attempting to satisfy our curiosity about these others.

Then there are those which we know personally, with whom we interact, and these too are the object of our curiosity. We note what happens in their lives and make comparisons and judgments about them, with some we would like to have closer relationships because they represent or have something that we like or lack. We watch in awe, amusement, general interest, envy, pity, and regret; and the view changes from time to time as we observe their ever changing behavior. As we observe, we are being observed and so it goes.

There are great divides among public, acquaintance, friendship, and family. The interest level changes along a continuum from occasional, i.e. whenever we see, hear or read something, to constant, when we make inquiries to keep current in the know. There is the constant feeling that we are missing out on something interesting or important.

While we are doing all of this, we are comparing what we are doing to what we see and hear. This comparison is often what causes dissatisfaction with our personal image, possessions, perceived status, and social group. This dissatisfaction springs from a lack of certainty that what we are doing, as a being, is not in the interest of developing into a totally spiritual being. Relieving this dissatisfaction causes us to take action.

In here there are many personae, if you’ve been following my thinking you’ll know what I mean, and each of these is seeking developmental experiences that would lead to permanence, i.e. becoming one with Master as a totally spiritual being. Comparing where he is to where he thinks he should be is what causes him to imagine ways to get there. When the feelings are strong enough or when enough personae feel the same way, then the being is caused to take action that will move him towards the desired end. Once setting off in that direction, other personae can see that it is not beneficial to them in achieving their more parochial ends and create what is known as cognitive dissonance, or internal second guessing.

It could be that Master knows what is to be done across many lifetimes to get there, and that personae think they know what has to be done in this lifetime to be part of that, so Master guides and personae strive. When these are synchronized, there is a sort of bliss. When personae are trying to satisfy something not along that line, then Master backs off and we see excesses in the form of narcissistic attempts at satisfaction, a sort of emotional gluttony. This could be the genesis of saying, “Thy will be done in heaven and on earth,” meaning we (personae) are willing to subordinate the satisfaction of our individual desires to that/those of Master.

Imagination is the friend and foe of development. On the one hand, being able to see, to imagine what one would be, is a good thing if it is consistent with what Master wants, on the other is can lead to excesses that satisfy one or another persona’s temporal desires to the detriment of the longer term goal of Master. Imagination is a tool of the brain-body to be used by the stronger influence. When certain personae get strong enough to work their will on the being, then imagination is the foe of development. When personae maintain their commitment to development of the being as a whole, then imagination can be a friend. So imagination is not a distraction unless it is inappropriately applied, just like any other tool. A hammer is fine when driving nails but not for brushing one’s teeth. The same can be said of decision-making, which is another of the brain-body tools. As with all of our tools, they are neutral until used, useful to development if used appropriately and detrimental if not.

Beings among us who are developing quietly are not necessarily noticed. This is one of the paradoxes of our temporal existence. It isn’t even important to look for them, their development in no way impacts ours. They may be an example but then our circumstances are different and our personae are not the same so there isn’t a direct correlation. Our development is our own task. The paradox is that those in the public eye are not usually those on a developmental course but more involved in the excessive satisfaction of appetites, the aforementioned emotional gluttony. These are held up to us as examples and curiosities. If we see them in their proper light, we see them as an example of what not to do.

It is a “cut and try” existence that we have. It is necessary that we always look for courses of action that are consistent with development. It is likewise necessary that we always be willing to give up some course of action when we find it not. I will persist until I succeed, I persevere.

Two Things

It seems that this is a good thing to do before I begin my plotting and scheming for the week ahead. It is always better to get one’s head cleared of distracting thoughts before going into the planning mode. There are so many distractions out there that erasing the board is important before setting down some distinct accomplishments for the week ahead. And too, it is good to give some thought to the things that are already out there, planned for the week ahead.

There is also a trap into which one may fall, i.e. thinking too much about some one thing or another, especially speculating about what others may be thinking about this or that. It has been my experience that others don’t think about that which we think they are. At the same time there have been instances when the imagery of another’s thoughts has been so strong that it seemed that we were somehow in tune. Yes, I believe that our thoughts are communicated in some manner one to another, especially when in the close proximity of the other and even when not.

The possibility that we can communicate thought(s) through sound, and I don't mean the words said, seems to be somewhat real. I notice when encountering an animal, especially a barking dog, if I think kindly thoughts and whistle softly in its direction, it stops barking and calms down. Same with horses; if one approaches them with a soft whistle while giving thought to what is desired, say to take them to ride, the horse seems to acquiesce. G. advised Madam Dehartman to keep her mind focused on renting the required rooms for the required price and not to be concerned with the topic of conversation, IOW to stay focused mentally on the desired even while talking about s.t. else; and in this case she got the rooms for the desired price.

There seems to be a communication that occurs that transcends spoken words and this is the value of face-to-face conversations/meetings. Although I think that it can occur on telephone or even Email. On telephone by the nuances of the voice, by word choice, hesitations, IOW the emotional content. In Email, it could be emotional content stored in the content of the message, usually word combinations. That may be it; there is an emotional component to the communication that is conveyed during the intellectual passing of information. In the case of animals, unless it is an animal that has come to understand certain sounds, it is completely an emotional reaction to what is perceived.

Humans, due to the high content of Intellectual source in their being, have developed words/language to convey the message content; and the development of writing, which freezes the words in/on media for interpretation by others, even after all the parties to the communication are dead and gone.

Our lives are governed by such; some examples are the constitution of the United States, laws, the Bible, the Koran. These interpretations are often rehydrated with emotional content when currently considered. The Islam debacle, the Spanish Inquisition, the Crusades, the missionary zealots of all faiths, are examples of emotional inflation of sometimes ancient writings.

Yet even with all of these added features, humans contemporaneously communicate on the emotional level and do it without even knowing it. Some are more aware of it than others; people involved in theater seem to have an uncanny sense of this. It is called intuition, and they are so confident of their ability with it that they make decisions about people based on it. Understanding that this is true, laws have been passed and enforced by agencies of various governments on down to human resources departments of organizations, to eliminate the emotional content of dealing with those in an organization.

As an aside, it seems that many laws are passed to take emotional responses out of consideration. History has demonstrated that emotional responses are irrational and lead to actions that are later found to be inappropriate. Take capital punishment for example, the representatives of society have said that certain people are deemed so undesirable that they are not to remain a part of society, no matter how remotely they are kept from it. Since no one wants to be guilty of wrong doing in carrying out this sentence, there are often long delays from the pronouncement to the execution.

There are ways to verify all of the above but I won’t take the time nor commit the resources required to do so. It is the same with many conclusions reached in my thinking. They are good enough for me and I don’t make them dogmatic so that if later evidence shows them to be erroneous, I discard them. This is called development. At the same time, I don’t preach or argue the point with anyone and this is because I haven’t gone beyond the “I think…” phase of it.

I want a horse to train for eventing; this is a strong desire and one that has been with me for many years now; at least since riding here in Kentucky and at the Horse Park on Alice. At this juncture I have the time, the money, and the inclination.

I wonder about my motives. Is it my misanthropy? Is it my reluctance to engage with others and seeing the association with a big strong animal like a horse as a substitution? Perhaps it is.

“People are more interesting than horses,” is a conclusion I reached early in my career but now I am not interested in having people do my will, but I still want to impose my will on some living creature and as far as I am concerned a horse is only second to people. Furthermore, the horse doesn’t try to impose its will on me; or woe to it if it does.

People always eventually go their own way so there is no permanence in a relationship. The horse will be there, as long as I want it to be, whereas people can opt out of a relationship at any time.

What Are You Saying?

One of my endeavors is writing; this is the 50th blog entry I am writing and they are all 1000 words and about 1.5 pages of manuscript. So I’ve written the equivalent of 75 pages of a book or whatever. The entries are discrete and when I re-read them, from time to time, the meaning may even shift a little for me. It is difficult to say what meaning a reader would get out of these entries.

Writing requires a discipline that I don’t have, or have not fully developed at this time. Readers preferences are different because each reader is an individual and tastes vary from Jack Webb (just the facts) to those who found “Life is a Jigsaw Puzzle” to be a work of great fiction.  This particular book dealt with a cast of characters each involved in a different sort of total waste of time, just as is a jigsaw puzzle in the mind of the author.

 My writing may leave too many conclusions open to the reader. This is justified because I am the only intended reader and my ideas and the development thereof are personal and aren’t intended to convince anyone else although I don’t discourage or disparage others from reading them.

I keep reminding myself that my ideas about and understanding of life and living are still evolving and sometimes even go in directions that turn out to be erroneous. I look back over some of my writing on the subject which was written more than 10 years ago and compare that to where I am today and see how much development has taken place.

 This is my main objection to organized religion, which I have voiced more than once in previous entries. Once a religion puts something down as dogma, it cannot be easily changed and/or abandoned. For example, when the “Eucharist” was finally admitted to be what it is and not something else, it caused the faithful great angst; to the extent that a whole generation continued/s to hold “perpetual adoration” of a piece of bread because they are/ have been convinced that it is the precious body of Jesus Christ.

Back to writing and the discipline; I suppose one has to pick his audience and then write for it. I read the clinical report of the Elephant Man and then I read the novel about the same subject, both agreed in fact so the movie was based on both. I enjoyed the clinical much more than the novel because I was interested in just the story. Some authors take away that privilege by supplying the fiction and telling the story completely. The art of this kind of writing is in the subtext, the hidden meanings, the symbols, the nuances that later on give students of literature such a challenge.

So, there is the text book (non-fiction) where the author is striving for the greatest/ most complete exchange of meaning and fact, and at the other extreme is the poem, where the author is putting it out there for the reader to interpret in his own way. Most fiction of more than a few hundred pages is of the second type except that it isn’t recognized as poetry. Some historical novels take the path in between and do a great service to the understanding of the times/events upon which the novel is based. Agatha Christy strings the reader along with great obfuscation and the reveals the truth at the end while the reader has spent his imagination trying to figure it out before he gets there.

Is there something else at work here? Are the muses Calliope, Erato, Thalia, and Clio taking an active role in inspiring the mind of the writer? Are other entities influencing the writer to take on this or that subject, or is it the imagination, skill, and discipline of the writer, who understand his craft so well that he does the research, that develops the story.

When I read the more clinical treatment of the story of the Elephant Man, I admit that I wanted more development, more explanation, more insight into his feelings and those of the people around him. I came away wanting more and made up for it by imagining how I thought it may have been. The good writer will give enough facts, details, elaboration, and explanation to allow the reader to get a complete story. Then if the reader disagrees or wants to imagine a different set of scenarios, that’s OK; he at least has a fully detailed story from which to launch.

This type of reader is like unto a screen writer/script writer who takes another’s book /story and adapts it to the screen or stage. Often the story is changed significantly from that of the original. One glaring example of this is the contrast between the movie and the book, “In a Lonely Place.” The book was a good story of a delusional killer whereas the movie was the story of a wrongfully accused person. The book led one to believe that the killer was innocent while all of those around him understood that he wasn’t. For my money a much better treatment than that of the movie; it was an Igotcha.

All of this is leading up to a conclusion for me and my writing, I am finding out that skill in any endeavor is not easily assimilated; success comes only after much work and practice, much criticism and collaboration. At the rate I am going I am not going to make it to the altar of literary fame and fortune. There is work to be done on the second and third lines that is not. I’m on a team in pool, a conversation club in French but not associated with writers, not working as a writer, not developing beyond what I can do by myself; I am working along the first line but not the second or third lines. It is important to be working along all three lines at the same time; this leads to effective development.

My Five Way Test

“Call people to ‘do’ with me.” This is a statement from my task list and it came from my weekly planning session. I put this out there a long time ago and continue to bob and weave, duck and parry and not do it.

I even took the strategy of going for the “no” but that too fell through. And yet there are lots of things that I do with others, just that I don’t make the call. Most of what I do relates to errands, visits to haunts such as the library, Kroger, Sam’s or some other shopping destination. You know from reading previous entries that I am a buyer and not a seller. Yet when I want something, I ask for it; to wit, I asked CarolR if she needed a horse exercised and that wasn’t a buy. So I make the call when it is appropriate to do so.

In class I remain apart because I am the ultimate in different. I am 70 and they are 20; most of what is said and done simply doesn’t interest me and I can tell I don’t interest them either. There are polite conversations and I usually start them but that is the extent of it; there is no out of class contact, nor should there be. Except at the SAC in the pool room where there I have somewhat of a gunslinger image; I am the guy to play and beat, if you can. And yet there is no out of the SAC contact either, nor should there be. So the UofL situation is as it should be; I am there for the lessons and the pool, not to build acquaintances.

It begs the question, should I be in other “target rich” environments where I can seek out and maintain some social contact. Well, I am in the Rotary Club and that is an opportunity. We, Carola and I, take advantage of the oppys and generally participate whenever we can. But here again, there is no ongoing, outside the meeting socializing that goes on.

Could it be that I just don’t have the necessary imagination to come up with things to do that might include another/others? Oh, I can think of things but my heart isn’t in them and, therefore, they don’t get followed to conclusion. This explains a long time fascination with being in sales. I say fascination because I never really followed up on that either. It becomes no fun; too much like work.

This leads to a suspicion that I may be a bit misanthropic. My experience with people has been disappointing to say the least. There have been some short term friendships that didn’t stand the test of envy and even outright jealousy. In some cases it was me and in others it was they. The better people got/get to know me the less they enjoy my company and vice versa.

There are some who try to manage their contacts but that falls through the crack 99.9/100 and the same thing is true the time or two that I tried to manage mine. It just doesn’t work out, at least for me and most that I know.

I made up a whole series of postulants about his whole thing and they are pretty much true.

GUIDELINES FOR BUSINESS SITUATIONS

Policy: Remember, without exception, the people that you are dealing with are not your friends. They are sensitive, selfish people looking out for their own interests. The guise of friendship makes it easier to talk to someone and reach an understanding but it should never be mistaken for friendship or willingness to give and take. It is always to get more in return. Accomplish all of the above in a friendly, enthusiastic, and positive way; regardless of the wording, it isn’t meant to be mean spirited or harsh.

The Five Way Test:
1) Will handling of this request take me toward my stated purpose?
2) Is it the truth?
3) Is it fair to all concerned, especially my family, my company, and me?
4) Will it build goodwill and friendships, and not be resented afterwards?
5) Will it be beneficial to all concerned, the other parties and my family, my company and me?

Guidelines:
1) My first task in making any contact is to objectively establish the reason.
2) This is not a friend. Conclude nothing about the other, find out.
3) Think through agreements and commitments. Examine my motives for agreeing and committing.
4) Be willing to accept not reaching closure. Don’t agree to anything. Can I deliver? Question it. Analyze it from a common sense and a financial point of view. Don’t agree because it is an easy way out.
5) Does it fit easily and profitably into my plan? Working towards my desired business goals is the objective. Meeting an expectation of harmony, compliance, and consideration is not the objective.
6) My reputation will improve as long as my business goals are ethical and my product performs to spec, the “feelings” of those involved are not to be considered.
Once agreement is made, deliver on time with positive attitude and comments. Take delivery on time, even demand it. This means agreed upon goods, services, or payment.

I made these up a long time ago after realizing them. IOW, this is how it works in business; in my experience it works this way all the time even up until now. There are people out there who have deceived me and I don’t have anything to do with them. There are those who have promised and not delivered after taking delivery and I don’t have anything to do with them. In fact, I do my best to live up to the above and I hold others to these standards. One has to realize that there is nothing deceptive about being objective. Arguments to the contrary are emotional reactions and we have verified that these are irrational and need to be recognized as same.

A Bit of Crowing

The fateful time has arrived when I am finished with the play, finished with the presentation in Chicago, and now I am in limbo. But first a few words of triumph for the activities just finished. The play was a huge success; my lines were delivered accurately and in character. I was the arrogant, rock star, Voltaire with just enough conviviality to keep from turning the audience against me. And the presentation/ performance/ talk in Chicago was likewise a huge success. My fellows honored me with handshakes, pats on the back, and kudos during the coffee break all of which told me that they enjoyed my performance. The whole scene was well produced and performed by yours truly.

It is now time to move on to something else. I will turn to my Performance Evolution file in a few minutes but first I want to allow myself to do a little free style thinking. The successes of last week are fine, they add to the store of successful experiences I’ve had. I suppose the first thing to do is to look at them and see if there is anything that could be considered a foundation upon which to build with further adventures along those lines. The quick answer is no. I don’t have a future in French language except as an intellectual pursuit and my future in the diplomatic world ends at the end of the year. With some imagination I could conjure up some ties to the future but they would be contrived.

If my future is in performance, then I can easily say that I have made some progress. The performances of last week deserve some review. First the play; it was in the French language which I have been studying and my part required further study and research to understand the meaning of the combinations of words that he put down. “Et cet alors que…” and “vous vennez de la voir” have meanings that aren’t readily apparent to the beginning student of French. The play itself was a study in various meanings of phrases and sentences; so the fact that it was in French was a stretch. Then it was I who designed and assembled the costume, wig, buckles, and cane; that did the make-up; who got to the place on time and ready to perform, and then perform according to script and direction.

Then the Chicago Talk; it was titled on the agenda as “The Fortunes and Misfortunes of an Honorary French Consul in Kentucky” and I put together a series of anecdotes that represented what I have been doing for the past 15 years. There were 17 items that I put on memory pegs and they were the basis for my talk; they were my talk. I appeared in costume, business suit, starched blue oxford cloth button down shirt, red tie, French-American flag lapel pin, the corner of a white handkerchief sticking out of my coat pocket, shined shoes, and a well groomed appearance all around. I took charge of the house by asking permission to talk from the front of the room, a departure from the ordinary protocol, and then thanked the German Consul General, in German, and the FCG in French. I started my talk and went point by point to the end with the spontaneity that can only come from having earned the right to talk about each of them. The whole thing lasted 20 minutes, the prescribed time, and there was a fluency that only comes from having spent so much time in front of groups/audiences.

The next thing that I must do is find another opportunity to perform, what is so difficult to see? Oddly when I started this writing it wasn’t that apparent but it is as a large billboard along the highway, you can look at it without even seeing it. One of my Dailies is to “dream extravagantly, rehearse rigorously, and perform spontaneously,” and one of my Endeavors-What is “find, audition, learn lines, rehearse, and perform.” Easy to say but the proof is in the pudding. So far this year there have been three significant performance events: Uncle Tom's Cabin, Zadig, and The Chicago Talk and there’s an LTM in the wings but probably not this year. I know the thing to do is to let it happen. It isn’t false hope for me to say this, I know it will. When s.t. is right, you know it. This is where patience comes in to play; patience is s.t. of which I do not have tons but have learned my lessons from reflecting on past experiences. Just as UTC was a bolt out of the blue, just as the French class was not foreseen to be what it turned out to be, just as the Chicago Talk was in response to an overture from Sidy Dialo, so too will be the next opportunity to perform.

Then somewhere down the line I will be in the flow of the performance stream and appropriate roles will come along without me making extraordinary efforts to get them. This has been the way it has been all of my life. Just like riding; after a hiatus of 4 years I have started back and am now riding twice a week at reputable farm and that took one stop at the place and a short conversation with Carol Rudlof, who “just happened to be there when I came out.” Just like pool, without a clue I stopped at the BCofL and asked about it; bang I was on a team the next Wednesday night and have been since. Not only a team but with top notch players from whom I learn extraordinary techniques.

When I made efforts to buck the flow, things didn’t work out; when I went with the flow, they did. My dad even observed once that if something is supposed to happen, things will fall into place to let it. It was when we were discussing the possibility of me coming back to StL and running his business and things just didn’t seem to be falling into place. This observation has been proven to be reliable over and over again. So, we shall see.

Moving On

Saturday, October 31, 2009
This is the last day of my batching it with Carola being in California with Theresa and the kiddies; it’s been a pretty good experience. A friend at Rotary Club lost his wife six years ago, she died. He has a lot of experience in living alone and remarked that it took him a long time to get used to her being permanently gone. I won’t/don’t have that problem because Carola is coming home tomorrow.

We have another dress rehearsal tomorrow afternoon and performances on Tuesday and Thursday next week. The play is coming together nicely; Dr. Greene has a lot of experience in all of this and lets it evolve week after week. He also has a lot of creativity. Faced with an unusual class member, he invented a character, Voltaire, wrote an introduction, and a mid-play continuum for the character and it works together very nicely. He has also taken care of the music, the lights, the videotaping, and publicity. I noticed he had director’s notes during the last rehearsal, something I thought he’d been missing. For a French class, this has been a growth experience for me.

I’ve written about self-doubt and what follows is not that but rather an attempt at taking an objective look at where I am and how I am doing in that class. On the positive side, I am in the class, know my lines, and interact somewhat with others in the class. I am not butting in to give any kind of advice or counsel to anyone; not suggesting anything, not directing in any way. I am also not helping with tasks that others have had assigned to them. 

On the less positive side, I am uptight about my lines, not relaxed and “In character.” My lines are not that long or involved, and I know them. My costume is great, as is my makeup. The only reason I am not loose and in character may be the language thing. I am still thinking too much about what and how I am delivering them instead of letting Voltaire come through. That will be my goal tomorrow.

It is now late in the afternoon, I slept until 9am and left the house to go riding at eleven; back at 1:30pm, and I ate lunch and fooled around with Sudoku until about now. For some reason, the small of my back has muscle spasms and I am dealing with that now. They started after lunch and could have been the result of riding and/or not doing two critical stretches this morning because of a belly full of breakfast. I am going to have to let these subside by not doing much of any exercise or work; or perhaps doing the stretches that I missed, and/or doing the straps to force the relaxation of the muscles.

The week has been productive but I am willing to admit that there hasn’t been a lot on my plate; and this is probably a good thing. I am content with having to concentrate on the play and the presentation at the Consul’s meeting next Friday. We are all set to go to Athens Georgia for John’s graduation from a Navy School and to go to California for Thanksgiving. I’ve kept up with my dailies and weeklies, the laundry is done, the house is the same as when Carola left, some of mom’s effects are gone, others staged for moving, the kitchen is clean, the yard is fine so it isn’t as if I haven’t been doing anything. It’s more of the feeling that I often have, of not doing anything of consequence.

All the while I am concentrating on this one single thing, the play; Dr. Greene is likewise as well as teaching a myriad of other classes and preparing a paper to give at a symposium sometime in November. Others in the class are not only doing the play but also handling a list of classes that would not be possible for me. Although it is hard to admit, age has a lot to do with it. Ed Causey warned me that I would be slowing down, i.e. unable to handle lots of simultaneous major issues. This is a generic issue that affects all people. It is important that I recognize it and continue to allow myself some slack.

It continues to be important to pick that one thing upon which I will concentrate when the play is over. It will be the presentation on Nov 6 and then there may be an LTM in Evansville starting up shortly thereafter. Jack called this week to tell me they are shooting for November 11, although it may be shoved back a few weeks or all the way to January; it will be difficult to get all seven sessions in before Xmas.

Since I’ve made my decision to continue acting/ performing, I will be making my overtures to Dr. Tompkins for Acting ii as well as taking some time to find the various stage opportunities that exist locally. I am aware of several and have been seeing them here and there as I drive around. Acting ii is important because it will prepare me; finding the locations allows me to get a feel for what/where I may be performing. I may go to productions at the various locations just to experience the milieu. These two things are significant and important to my continuing on this course of action. Should Dr. Tompkins refuse me, I will have to find another source of preparing me for the stage.

One of the things I became aware of during the past couple of months, and s.t. that is expanded in a previous blog, is the role of preparation in success. I even made a 2x2 of it with the x-axis being a continuum of preparation from general to specific and the y-axis being lo and hi achievement. The four quadrants are 0-0 couldn’t figure it out, 0-1 success in unchartered territory, 1-0 inexperienced, 1-1 success expected. The conclusion is the obvious, the better prepared one thinks he is, the higher the expectation of success.