Movin' on Down the Line

"Realizing that emotional reactions are irrational, I respond more objectively."

This is one of my daily aphorisms and it is easier said than done.  The germ of the idea came a long time ago when a psychologist friend gave me a white paper on rational response.  The idea lay dormant for quite a few years until I began realizing that I was indeed, crippled, at times in my thinking by irrational thoughts.

It is a recurring theme when cast for a part in any film, stage, or voice production and the pattern was the same almost every the time.  I am thrilled to be chosen for the part.  The enthusiasm is sustained through the pre-production process until the rehearsals, filming or A-B-C submission take place.  Then self-doubt sets in, big time; mind reading of the director's thinking that he made a mistake in casting me, or the cast thinking, "What is he doing here?" Thinking that my interpretation of the character is all wrong, that my image on film is less than satisfactory, or even the irrational fear of being asked to leave the production.

After recent comments from one director that seemed harsh, I examined my irrational thinking more objectively.  Why would I react this way?  And, as I drove down the road that night, memories of being called on the carpet by authority figures like the Monsignor, my boss at NNS and even at Tenneco came back to me.  Yes, I had stepped over unfamiliar imaginary lines of behavior and was called on the carpet for it but this wasn't the same thing.  At no time was my ability or talent in question but rather my behavior.

Then there were the times that auditors were called in to examine the books and practices of the accounting department for which I had responsibility.  There were no significant errors or omissions.  The same was true of the security practices of the data center.

The ominous nature of the carpet calls and the audits did not, however, escape me.  Who was the snitch, why were there suspicions?  I've come to realize that the world is full of rats and to take that into account, and in business there exists envy and distrust of individuals in decision making positions that holds true from the top to the bottom in larger companies.  But the fairness of The Law doesn't apply in all circumstances of business and action can be taken based on rumor with no burden of proof.

It has been a goal of mine to sing on stage, even to the point of getting professional help from a locally well-known voice teacher.  We started lessons, I worked up a familiar audition song from "Guys and Dolls."  She was frank in telling me that I had a ways to go before I could hope to get cast.

With her coaching on the how-to, I did a couple of auditions for musicals with little hope of being cast. The effort to prepare and to perform them was written off as a learning experience. The jury is still out on one of them.  To my surprise and delight, the other resulted in being cast in Clue: The Musical.  Now my hopes are up that the other will pan out for a summer production of Kiss Me Kate.  (It did and we did 16 performances of the production in August.)

My euphoria crashed after the first reading and the realization of the work ahead came through.  The tide of self-doubt began to come in.  I reassured myself that at no time did I misrepresent my talent or singing ability and that i was willing to do whatever to see this through and do well.  As we started rehearsals and I sang, the quality of my voice on the higher notes was, shall we be kind and say, not the best.  The director is a real professional and the cast all know one another from other productions.  I am a stranger in their midst.  All of what I described above came into play until the drive home that night.

As voice lessons continued, I complained to her, "I just can"t hit the high notes."  She said of course not, you're not supporting your voice from your abdomen.  We worked on that just a few minutes and voila! there were the D, E. F,and F#; exercises with the piano to sing particular random notes as the keys are struck ended tone searching.  Then my lines work received a compliment from the director.  The cast seems to accept me more and more each time.  

As usual the tide of doubt is ebbing again and it will stay out, if the past is prologue.  The combination of identifying the influence of past experience, dealing with problems, and rational thinking have allowed me to move on confidently; and the amount of time spent agonizing over phantom situations has been reduced dramatically.