Living with someone who has memory
problems is a lot like the movie Ground Hog Day. The same situations keep
coming up and are resolved, only to reappear a little later as if never addressed
previously.
There seem to be two categories of memory
lapse. One is not remembering what transpired and the other is not
remembering that we already talked about this; both combined with a marked
deficiency in imagination.
There is a need for me to keep my
perspective and not remind her of any of this. Although sometimes I
simply say, I’m not going to tell you the answer to that again, I've already
told you three times. This sounds unkind but at the same time it is accepted
as fact and we go on. It also defends my sanity because after the third
time it begins to freak me out.
It is important for us both to have some
outlets for social intercourse. The inclusion of
others in our activities and the exclusion of each other in some activities
allows for resetting the counters to zero in the patience department for both
of us.
What worries me most is the lack of
outside activities in which she is willing to participate. After Xmas and
the departure of the family, she became reclusive to the point of causing me
some real concern. If we go out, and we often do, it is always together
to an event that I have suggested. Rarely, if ever, does she suggest something.
Finally, after much encouragement, she
ventured out to the wellness center and joined it to go to the therapy pool for
exercise twice a week with some friends of hers. This, in my opinion, was
a big step forward in the process of getting out there.
The fact that she forgot that she drove
the car to the wellness center and didn't discover the lapse until she came
home with others to an empty garage didn't help any. It was quite a shock
to her. In an unrelated accident she broke her shoulder and the aerobics
went away for four months and is only now restarting, slowly.
It is my opinion that part of the problem
is knowing that she has this memory deficiency frightens her and has led to
a crisis of confidence. She will have to overcome this in order to
function independently and I think she knows this and is willing to give it a
try.
It requires a lot of patience to see and hear this and not react to it except to ignore some or go back over
what was done or said so she is reminded, over and over again. This isn't
difficult but has an effect on my ability to function. There are times
that I doubt my own memory of things but I’m reassured when I check it.
Where do we go from here? “For
better or worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness, and in health, until
death do us part” That is the deal. We will stay here as long as we
can. I've seen the care in residential facilities for people who have to
be there and it will be a last resort.
When mom had to have rehabilitation, she
went to the best one in town and they almost killed her. She was
constipated so the weekly doctor visit resulted in instructions to give her a
laxative. This caused diarrhea and the nurse kept giving her the
laxative!
The food was way too much for her, so we
brought hot soup and other nutrition to her on our own. I swore then that
she’d never go back to the hospital or a nursing home no matter what because
they would only succeed in killing her. I am of the same opinion
still.
My strategy is to deal with it, one day at
a time. I am smart enough, objective enough, and caring enough to make
the decisions that are necessary when they are necessary and not before.
This house is a masterpiece of convenience
and livability. The neighborhood is safe and the community is mixed both
in age and ethnicity. There is no reason to leave it except for the
transportation aspect of it.
The next big hurdle will be when we lose
our driving privileges. That will be a shocker and may cause us to move
out of this house. That will come later because there is no age limit for
a license, only capability to drive, i.e. see, hear, drive, and obey the law.
Who knows, there may come a time when
mobility may be enhanced with cabs, shuttles, and mass transit being linked from the
neighborhood, say the lodge, and a nearby shopping center providing a link to
the rest of the city but there is much to be done for this to happen.
We are on our own, there aren't many, if
any, others here that we can count on in any continuing way but paid assistance is available.. There are
many that I can call upon for a favor here and there but none that can
come in on any regular basis should that become necessary and I don’t think it
will. And this is OK for the present and for the foreseeable future
It would be to our great advantage to
expand our social support system. The women of the sorority are there for
Carola. If, and it is a big if, we could find a church to join that would
not be onerous to me; that would be a big help.
There will, however, come a time in 15
years, or so, when neither of us will be able to take care of the other.
It is at that point that we will have to call upon the kids. The timing
is about the same as it was for my mom and dad, age 85 for them, but it will
probably be a later for us.
So for planning purposes, there is nothing to be done at present except,
of course, to maintain the health and vitality of this brain-body. There
are considerations for the future but they will be handled in due course.
Then the further out future will have to be addressed at some point—down the
road a ways.
